Bloodlust
by XxSweet-NightmarexX
Summary: On a trip to the Deep Roads, Hawke risks everything to protect the one person she has left that she can't live without, and nearly loses him anyways. BloodMage!Hawke, Oneshot


**A/N: Hey all! For all my love of the Dragon Age series in the past years, I seem to have neglected to write anything for it! Inspiration came the other day when playing through DA2, as a Blood-Force Mage romancing Anders. I wondered why it was that Anders never brought this up with his beloved, and this happened. Enjoy!**

I was starting to see why Anders hated the Deep Roads; after a few visits, I was weary of the constant threat of darkspawn and the scent of stale air and the rotting flesh of the felled darkspawn or their unfortunate victims. For once, though, the rebellious mage had been all to happy to venture into the depths, this time to the rescue of an old friend of his, Nathaniel.

I hadn't been sure what to think about Nathaniel when we first encountered him just a short ways into the entrance. He came off as gruff, no nonsense, but someone good to have on your side. He was more of what I expected from a Warden than when I met Anders, a rebel apostate hiding in Darktown, defending the sick and wounded that came to him for aid. When we tried to convince him to return to the surface, he refused, insisting that he must search for those that had come down with him, and Anders had been surprisingly willing to stay and help. They seemed like two people that wouldn't get along well, but they seemed to bring out the best in each other.

The tunnels were filled with the darkspawn, but despite the odds we found a dwarven companion of Nathaniel's, and hope was renewed that the rest of his group was somewhere further in. We slaughtered our way forward, Fenris taking the lead, Anders and I carefully walking in the middle, staves at the ready, and Varric brought up the rear with Nathaniel, Bianca resting nervously on his shoulder. We continued our cautious approach, trusting Anders and Nathaniel to warn us of approaching darkspawn, when I heard a familiar war cry. Throwing caution to the wind, I rushed forward, using a quickly casted mental blast to fling the tainted creatures away from my brother.

"Hawke! Stop!" I heard Anders call behind me, but I was too distracted by the ogre that had suddenly smashed its way into the room. I began to summon a great storm in the center of the room as Carver took up a reluctantly protective stance between myself and the beast. I saw a flash of blue out of the corner of my eye and Fenris rushed forward, hammer raised to smash down on the nearest darkspawn. I heard a cry behind me and didn't have to look to know Justice had taken over for the battle. The brewing storm began in earnest and bolts began to rain down on the spawn. I ran closer to the ogre, struck it with a hasty bolt of lightning, and turned to take in the battlefield. My heart stopped.

A huge ogre, seemingly bigger than the one Fenris was working on, was stomping up behind Anders. Justice didn't seem to notice, concentrating as he was on the Firestorm he was whipping up. The rapid-fire spells had left me drained of mana, and I knew Justice was too wrapped up in destroying the darkspawn to hear my warning. My knuckles turned white on my staff as I struggled. There was something I could do… But no one was going to like it.

_They don't have to like it. As long as they live._

I turned, seized Carver's blade, and slashed my wrist against it before Carver could protest. I hissed at the sting as the blood dripped down my arm, onto my fingers and down my staff, which began to warm at the touch, as though it knew I had a new reserve to pull from. I drew what power I could from it, and hammered the ogre with a blast of pure downward force, the magic glow tinted red from the power of my blood. The ogre stumbled, allowing Justice enough time to finish casting and lash out with an angry fireball, felling the creature. Utter silence fell on the party. Justice fixed me with a furious gaze.

"You used the forbidden magic," he snarled in his always-too-righteous way, stomping closer. Feet from me, he seemed to be distracted, and then the blue glow faded, leaving just Anders, looking confused, angry, and betrayed. I heard an angry curse in another language from who I knew to be Fenris. Varric said nothing, but looked sympathetic.

"Anders, I wouldn't have if there was another way," I pleaded desperately. "You might have been hurt! You might have been killed!" Thoughts swirled in my head of sweet Bethany, struck down protecting Mother by an ogre like the one that had nearly struck Anders down.

"And you wonder why they fear mages!" He snapped back. "There's always a choice! You could have done anything else! I know how to heal, I would have been fine."

"Bethany knew healing magic too!" I cried back, angry tears building in my eyes and electricity sparking through my hair and fingertips. "That didn't stop her from dying!" And without further comment, I fled the caves, running for the surface, ignoring Varric's attempt to calm the situation.

"Merrill, can I come in?" I creaked the door open, but waited for an invitation before going inside. She jumped from her spot in front of the Eluvian, looking surprised.

"Hawke!" She greeted with a wide smile. "I wasn't expecting you, I thought it'd be longer before you came back from the Deep Roads! Did you find that fellow you were looking for?" Merrill's smile faded when she saw my reddened eyes. "What happened?"

"I… Oh, it's a long story. To put it shortly, Anders was in trouble, and I had to use blood magic to save him," my voice cracked at the end of the sentence. She led me to a chair and gently sat me down, and I could feel the sympathy, the empathy. I'd told her shortly after she came to Kirkwall that I knew blood magic too, but made her swear to never ever tell the others; that I was sure to lose their respect if they knew. Over the years, as Anders and I's relationship grew, it became even more imperative that the secret be kept. And now this. Merrill got a glass of water and sat down next to me, saying nothing, but listening intently. I felt a choked sob rip its way from my chest, and a thin arm wrapped around my shoulder.

"He's going to hate me," the words fell from my mouth without my permission. "He's going to leave and I'll be-" _Alone. _The last word hung unsaid in the air. I felt her emerald eyes watching me pitifully.

"Let's go to the Hanged Man," she suggested brightly. I blinked.

"What?"

"The Hanged Man. We can go see Isabela and Varric!" She suggested brightly. I wiped my face on my sleeve and nodded.

"Okay. That sounds good," I smiled, and we set off together.

_Merrill_

Merrill walked through the door with a red faced and tearful Hawke, drawing the instant attention of Isabela from the bar. The pirate queen hurried over, seeing the baleful look Hawke was giving the floor, the way her short black hair was plastered to her face from tears.

"What happened?" she snapped, laying a hand on Hawke's shoulder. Hawke's lip trembled as she searched for the words, before Merrill interrupted.

"I thought Hawke could use a drink and a round of cards," she insisted, steering her dumbstruck leader to the bar and summoned Corff. While Hawke struggled to order something, Merrill took Isabela aside.

"Hawke and Anders had a fight; she's worried that he's going to leave her," Merrill whispered, just barely audible over the din of the tavern. Isabela's eyes narrowed and she turned to the door. "No, I need you to stay here with Hawke and make sure she's okay. I'm going to talk to him."

"What's this all about anyways?" Isabela hissed back. Merrill sighed.

"Anders was in danger and Hawke didn't have enough energy to cast a spell, so she had to use blood magic to save him," she relayed. "You know how he feels about blood magic." Isabela nodded before heading to the bar, pulling Hawke away and leading her up towards Varric's suite, rubbing the small of her back.

Merrill hurried through Lowtown towards Darktown and, by extension, the clinic Anders spent most of his time in. She remembered how happy she had been that Hawke and Anders had found comfort in each other, despite how mean he could be about her blood magic. She wished them well, regardless; she could handle a few cruel words every now and then when they were taking care of something with Hawke or when she came to visit. There was no reason for him to be so cruel to Hawke though; the stunned look plastered across her friend's face had brought a raw anger to the surface. When she reached the clinic, she flung open the door, storming up to a brooding Anders, who looked shocked to see her.

"What are you doing here?" he snapped, eyes narrowed. Merrill's face was set in a frown.

"She was trying to help you!" she snapped. "She was trying to help you and now she's sitting in the Hanged Man, heartbroken, while Isabela and Varric are doing your job and cheering her up!"

"Heartbroken?" his expression became confused. "Sure, I was angry, but I just thought we'd talk about it later. I thought she was angry with me as well for snapping. I figured some time apart…"

"She thinks you don't want to be with her any more! She's been crying in my house since she got back!" Merrill's voice rose, and an exiting patient hurried her steps. The rebel mage's face fell.

"Oh," was all that escaped him as Merrill turned on her heel and stormed out, stumbling on the threshold for a moment before she pointed her feet towards Lowtown.

_Hawke_

Loud laughter fell from my lips as the bitter alcohol colored my cheeks. Varric, Isabela, and I had played several rounds of cards, but I was starting to wonder where Merrill had disappeared to. I was also wondering why I was winning despite Isabela's reputation for cheating and Varric's reputation of good luck, but at the moment I didn't really care. I heard the crowd downstairs starting to slowly quiet and couldn't help but wonder what time it was. After what felt like ages, I bade my friends goodbye and rose to leave.

"Are you sure you'll be okay walking home on your own?" Isabela asked, making to follow me. I smiled at her concern.

"I'll be fine, I promise. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that, I left. The way home was quiet, dark; many of the local gangs had gotten wind that I had been taking them down and tended to keep to the shadows when I passed. The darkness as I passed various homes spoke to how late it was. When I reached my own home, I noticed that someone, probably Bodhan, had left a light on for me. I smiled as I unlocked the door; at least someone cared.

I had to stop in the entranceway as the sorrow hit me again, the assuredness that I was going to be alone now, that nothing I could say could fix what I had broken. Still, at least everyone was okay; that was all that mattered now. I took a steadying breath and continued inside.

The whole house seemed still, despite the couple of candles still burning. I slowly put each out as I passed, stooping down to pat my dog, Syx, on the head. He huffed in his sleep, his paws twitching as he undoubtedly chased down some dream-prey. I stumbled up the stairs, the alcohol I had consumed making the task much more difficult than usual.

At the top of my stairs, I noticed the door to my room ajar and narrowed my eyes. _That's not right. I close my door when I leave the house. Someone's here. _I didn't even need to look inside to know who it was. Anders waited inside, sitting at the little writing desk I kept at hand for writing in my journal. He didn't turn immediately, nor did I say anything immediately. We were simply quiet for a long moment as I changed from my armor and daywear to the robes I wore around the house. I sat on the bed and the silence hung between us like an anchor.

"Merrill told me you thought I was leaving you," he started slowly. I bit my lip.

"Are you?"

"Why on earth would I do that?" He came to sit next to me on the bed. "Why would I leave you for that? Sure, I think it was stupid, but everyone does stupid things sometimes."

"And what does Justice think?"

"Well, he didn't like you in the first place, so nothing's really changed," he shrugged, and still neither of us looked at the other. Then, and I'm not sure how it happened, but his arms were around me while I cried my eyes out. I didn't know what I was crying about; Bethany, nearly losing him, the drink. He didn't ask, and we stayed like that for a while, until I could take a deep breath and clear my mind.

"So you're not going to leave me because of the whole blood magic thing?" I asked shakily.

"Maker, no! I was just worried about you. I don't want to see you getting possessed," he answered into my hair. "I don't think Justice would approve of dating an abomination."

"He doesn't approve of you dating at all," I pointed out. He chuckled.

"I've never been one to toe the line," he shrugged. "He'll get over it." One hand dropped to the small of my back while the other fell to his side, and I used my freed arms to wipe away the mess on my face from crying. He took my face by the chin and turned me to face him, and I felt like I was going to melt. The kiss started gentle, but I could feel the control on my magic slipping, static sparking through my hair and over my skin without my consent. His other hand came to hover near my side, and flinched when a spark jumped to it. I pulled away, hastily apologizing, but he wasn't going to hear it, fingers lacing with mine as he closed the distance again. He sent an electric current right back, and it was surprisingly thrilling. We stayed like that for a while before we broke apart to breath, foreheads resting against each other.

"I know you're not a maleficar," he assured me. "I know that. But blood magic is dangerous. Please promise me you'll try not to use it. I couldn't bear if anything were to happen to you." I smiled, resting my hand on his.

"I know. But I can't lose you. If I have to, I will use it. I won't let anything take you from me," I insisted, giving his hand a slight squeeze. He sighed at the look in my eye; he knew nothing he could say was going to change my mind. Suddenly, there was the sound of a door opening, voices, and then a small elven frame in the bedroom doorway.

"Mistress," Orana said in her quiet voice. "The guard-captain is here. I told her you and Master Anders-" I heard a groan; he hated when she called him that, "-were recovering from your excursion into the Deep Roads, but she won't leave, says it's urgent." I sighed and pulled away, heading back towards my discarded armored robes.

"It's fine, Orana," I assured her. "Tell Aveline I'll be down in a moment."

"Tell her to come back in the morning," Anders protested. I laughed.

"Please, the whole city could burn down without me," I teased. "Maybe someone got a demon cat stuck in a tree." He chuckled at that, and I felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders as I clasped my robe shut and scrambled downstairs.


End file.
